Pendulum
by KatLady13
Summary: It is the nature of the pendulum to swing high, and then fall back to its lowest point. My life seemed to follow this pattern. IchiRuki Rating for language, one shot


Pendulum

It is the nature of the pendulum to swing high, and then fall back to its lowest point. My life seemed to follow this pattern. Every time I was happy and things were going well for me, I fell, and each downswing seemed to be getting harder and harder to pull back up from.

I'm not sure what possessed me to go back that day. It's not like I didn't know how dangerous it was to my own mental state. Last time…well I'd fucked things up royally last time. It was always the same with me: same actions, same reactions and eventually, I always got the same result. But, that was last time right? Who said it always had to play out like that each time? I just couldn't stop myself. I was drawn…like an addict to an eight ball. I needed my fix. I'd gone so long without it and I didn't think I could make it through another day.

I was wrong. I should have stayed away. I should have kept my god damned mouth shut and stayed at home. It was safe at home. I had a set schedule and I understood my responsibilities. I didn't have to think when I was by myself. No one was there to challenge me. No one got too close. No one was there to make me feel…anything.

Who wanted to feel anyway?

Feelings got in the way, they made things all cloudy and grey. I liked black and white. Clear rules etched into stone that anyone can follow. For me, it was like those rules of conduct were innate; burned into my very being. Without them, I was left with…emotions. I didn't like that. Good and evil, right and wrong…hell even up and down, that was they way life should be. Instead, I had complete and utter bewilderment. I've never liked being confused. If someone did something wrong, then they should be punished for that accordingly, right?

I thought they should. That's why I thought that I should be punished. It didn't matter what anyone told me, "It wasn't your fault" or "You did what anyone of us would have done", even "He wanted you to do it". None of that mattered because when you cut to the chase, I was the one. I was the one that fucking killed him. I held my sword in my blood covered hands and stood there like an idiot while his life ebbed away.

I should have done something different. I should have been better, smarter…stronger.

I couldn't save him.

That was the recurring nightmare I had nearly every night, except sometimes, the face changed slightly, and the hair color... The guilt from that night was wrapped around me like a cloak that kept me apart from the rest of the world. I didn't like it at first, but after awhile, I came to depend on it. That is…until I met my next drug.

He reminded me of him in so many ways, yet he was so different. At first, I only saw a boy, but that didn't last long. As time went on, and we worked together, I came to understand him. He was my partner, my companion, my…best friend. I tried to never let myself think beyond that, but I couldn't help it. Young and strong, full of confidence; he was the one. Or so I thought he was. He could be the one that would break all the rules that needed to be broken. He was the one that made me feel again. He pulled me from my inner world and shoved me into the real one.

He…gave me my friends, old ones reacquainted and new bonds made. Without him, I'd never have had a family…I'd never have found out about any of it.

Without him…I could have kept my eyes shut, but now, I wanted to see again.

I guess that's what really brought me there that day.

I had been gone for so long. Apparently, I had been gone for too long, but I didn't know that when I went to see him.

I was so anxious to see him again…I could barely contain myself. I kept imagining the look on his face when he would see me. There would be shock, a moment of comprehension and then…happiness.

See, that was the thing with us. We made each other happy. I could laugh around him, and he could finally smile. Whenever I wasn't with him…I didn't quite feel whole. I thought he was the same. Our friends and his family would tell me that whenever I left, he turned into a complete jerk until I came back.

That was my safety net. He always wanted me to come back to him…never once did he turn me away. I was the same with him because I always came back and he knew it. Then, when we were together again, we were happy, just like always.

I wanted to surprise him.

I was going to his apartment. It was late and I was sure that he'd be asleep in bed. That was my favorite place to catch him. Each time I would sneak in and get closer and closer to him before he woke up. The first time I'd barely gotten into his bedroom, but this last time, well, I'd been pulling the sheets back to climb in when he woke up. It was an unspoken agreement with us. I would go to him when I was ready, step by step, and he would wait for me.

I could only smile to myself when I thought of how close I'd get this time. Taking a deep breath, I quickened my pace.

Getting into his apartment was easy. Sneaking into his room was harder. His senses always seemed to be tuned in, looking for me. I still wasn't sure how he could be so horrible at controlling his powers when it came to everything, except me. That idiot could find me anywhere, anytime that I needed him.

I was at his bedroom door, getting ready to go in. I'd finally managed to get stationed in Karakura again, and taken a little time off before my new duties began so that we could have some time together. I'd even gotten a gigai because I wanted to be able to go around with him during the day.

I took a deep breath, and turned the knob, slowly opening the door. I peeked around it to make sure everything was clear. He was a mound of quiet snoring under his blankets. I crept up to him, taking care to make no sounds as I moved. I navigated through his sparse furniture and plethora of medical books until I was at his bedside.

I smiled to myself again, I was getting better at this; there wasn't any sign that he was moving. I reached out to run my fingers through his hair; I'd always wanted to do that, when I noticed something was wrong.

There was long reddish brown hair fanned out over his pillow, not the spiky, vibrant orange that I was used to.

I recognized her instantly.

I had always known Inoue Orihime loved Ichigo Kurosaki. I also knew that Ichigo had no idea, and that Orihime was afraid to tell him how she felt.

I swallowed hard. I guessed she'd gotten over her fear.

Her head was resting on his pillow, and she was smiling in her sleep. Ichigo, however, wasn't there.

As I stood there, watching her, I tried to force myself to understand why she was in his home, in his bed asleep. She was where I should be…and yet, I'd never made it there, had I? After several agonizing moments of denial, I managed to grasp what had happened while I'd been away. She must have told him how she felt, and he…felt the same way. How…wonderful for them. They would look good together, they matched. There weren't any striking differences that made them stand out…not like me. She was beautiful and he was handsome. I remember that I thought, 'he won't have to lean over so far to kiss her.'

It was getting harder for me to breathe, and my throat felt like it was going to explode. Orihime loved Ichigo…she was a good person. Ichigo was a good person. Good things happen for good people. They both deserved good things. Bad people…should be punished. Was this my punishment?

Suddenly, I couldn't stand to be there anymore, but I couldn't make myself move. I closed my eyes, and tried to take a few deep breaths, but it didn't matter. The images I concocted of them sleeping together so peacefully had been burned into my mind's eye for all time. I shook my head to try and dispel it; how would I ever be able to see again if that was the only thing that I saw? All that I could think of were all of the happy, loved filled moments that they would get…and that I would never be a part of. I'd been replaced before I had even gotten to him.

Then I heard a deep raspy, slumber drugged voice whisper, "Rukia?"

I opened my eyes out of reflex, I would always answer him. "Ichigo" I croaked. He was standing at his doorway, starting to smile at me, almost tentatively, like nothing had changed, like everything had changed. He must have seen it in my eyes, seen that I knew now, because the smile halted with the slight upturning of his lips. I knew that I should be happy for him. He was finally with her, the perfect woman that was free to love him in the ways he deserved…not like what I could give him.

He was starting to tense up, like he did before a fight, I could see the worry lines forming around his eyes. He was straightening up from his slouching position slowly, and he started to reach out for me, but I gave a quick shake of my head that stopped him instantly.

He looked down at her, the sleeping angel in his bed, then back to me and started to shake his head, opening his mouth to say something ridiculous.

I cut him off with a cold voice, "Don't. I don't need any explanations Ichigo, I understand perfectly. I'm sorry that I was in the way for so long. I'm sorry that…I held you back. If…if I'd known, then I…" but I broke off here, because I couldn't lie to him; I still would have come back, and things would have turned out the same.

I turned to go, to finally go and be done with it all, but his voice stopped me from taking my first step towards the window.

"Please Rukia, you just got here, don't go like this." He sounded strained, I was sure it had to do with sleep, or lack thereof, but what really caught my attention was 'like this.' He wanted me to go then; he only cared about the manner in which I left.

I tried to steel myself against him, and used my coldest tone, "How would you prefer me to leave, Kurosaki?" I couldn't say Ichigo anymore, it would be a lie. I'd always said it with a bit of ownership before, like he was mine, but now I realized that was over. He couldn't be 'Ichigo' to me anymore, now he belonged to someone else. In that moment, I realized what hurt me so deeply, was that I was on the outside again. For so long I had been here, waiting for what would inevitably come, and I found Ichigo. We made our own little safe haven together, where nothing could hurt us because we wouldn't let the other be hurt. The two of us never really belonged, except when we were together. Now…he belonged without me. He didn't need me to belong, he had someone else that would not let him be hurt, someone else that he was protecting.

That hurt. It hurt because I'd really believed it was supposed to be me. But the reality was that it wasn't me, and he'd made his choice, and I'd been blind to it until now. Idly, I wondered how long it had been going on, and realized that he'd probably been lying to me for a long time. He must not have trusted me very much, and that pissed me off.

I heard him suck in his breath, and reveled in the thought for a moment, that I might have actually hurt him.

I took a step away, "Wait!" he yelled. I wanted to laugh. Wait? For what? So he could tell me every sordid detail of how they had miraculously found they loved each other? I could live a thousand lives without hearing that…

Before I could answer him, he continued, speaking faster as he went out of some misguided sense of urgency, "Rukia please, just listen to me. I think after everything, you at least owe me the chance to explain." I thought I heard a pleading tone mixed in there somewhere, but I didn't and couldn't care anymore. I had to get away.

I started to move again, "Talk fast then, because I'm leaving." That was all I could give him, it was everything I could do to stop myself from becoming a heap of tears and sobs on his bedroom floor.

He sighed out of frustration, "What the hell? You just get back and now you're all pissed off at me?"

Oh, I knew that tactic all too well. It was called, 'piss off Rukia enough so that she forgets what I did wrong'. Well, there was no way in hell that was going to work, not this time.

"Oh don't act like such an idiot! You know damn well why I'm leaving!" I threw over my shoulder while I kept moving. I was halfway there now, I just had to keep moving and I could hurl myself out his window.

I heard his heavy steps behind me, "No, I don't know why the fuck you are acting like such a bitch! Rukia, I haven't seen you in almost nine months and then you show up…acting like….like."

I spun around to face him, letting him see the full effect of the agony on my face, "Like what? Like I just now realized that what I've been afraid of all along is true? That I have been holding you back from a normal life, and that it is exactly what you've been wanting? That I know I've been doing you more harm than good by coming back here because I thought that maybe…maybe you did want something other than just friendship?"

I shut my eyes tight, refusing to let him see any of my tears that were burning for release. I was coming apart. I felt like I had nothing, that I was nothing but a wasted shell full of ice.

I shook my head, realizing that I'd given him what he wanted, I'd stopped and actually explained why I was upset. Why couldn't I ever think straight around him?

I heard him make some sort of grunting sound, followed with his cocky tone, "I still don't know what the hell you are talking about!"

My eyes snapped open and I stared at him incredulously for a full thirty seconds. I was doing my best not to strangle him.

"You don't get it?" I said quietly.

He shook his head, "No" he said, his voice getting softer to match mine.

I looked down at the floor, and remembered the feeling I'd had on my way here. I'd been blissfully unaware, and happy and anxious to see him again. I'd missed him so much each day that I'd been gone…and now, it felt so bittersweet to me. It had all been for nothing. If he'd ever known me at all, how could he not understand why I was hurting now?

"You mean to say, that you don't understand why I would be upset to come to your home and find…Inoue in your bed? How long has this gone on? How long have you been lying to me?"

I looked up at him then, knowing he could see the tears starting to overflow, "How could you let me…be such a fool all this time?"

I couldn't stop them from flowing this time, so I turned and fled. He'd looked stunned, and he was. Enough so that he didn't stop me from throwing his window open and jumping through it, since he was still blocking the doorway.

I'd made it three houses down before I heard him call my name. It drew a pained cry from my chest; I wanted to run back to him so badly…even after this. But, I didn't let myself. What good would that do? I'd only been stopping him from having the life he wanted, the life that he deserved.

I wouldn't be so selfish anymore, no matter what it cost me.

Of course, Ichigo was Ichigo, and he wouldn't just let me go like that. He was too much of a good person to let me run away when I was so upset. He probably thought that I would go and do something stupid, and he was right.

"Rukia! God dammit, stop already!" he shouted. He didn't sound tired at all. He would easily outlast me, if he didn't just catch me first.

So, after a few blocks, I just stopped. I kept my back to him so he wouldn't see anymore of my crying than he already had, and bent my head forward so that my hair fell down around my face.

I heard his steps slow, and come to a stop a few feet behind me. I took several slow, deep breaths trying to calm myself so I didn't lose anymore pride than I already had.

"I meant what I said." I started out slowly, my voice taking it's deep, authoritative tone I used when I wanted to instruct him on something.

He questioned me before I could explain further, "What do you mean? I'm not sure I understand what the hell happened back there Rukia."

God, he said my name again. Each time he said it, a little part of me trembled with elation, while the rest of me was racked with pain.

"Don't call me that anymore, it's…it's not really proper now."

He took a step closer, and I took one away, "What the fuck Rukia? Since when is it 'not proper' for me to call you by your name?"

I shook my head again, "I don't think that she would like it very much, and I don't want to be the cause of anymore problems for you two. I know…she has mixed feelings about me, and I just want to put those to rest now."

I could picture him scratching the back of his head in the silent moment that followed before he answered me, "Okay Rukia, I have no fucking clue what the hell you are talking about. It's fucking cold and late…why don't we just go back to my-"

"No, and I told you to stop calling me that."

He moved forward and grabbed my arm, whipping me around to look at him before I could react. He was scowling, but his eyes were concerned and very intent on me. The only times I saw him look at me like that…was when I'd been hurt fighting.

"What the hell is your problem Rukia? I've known you for years, and…you've been…there for me a lot. Now, I'm not very good at this, but christ, I know you and you are not leaving until you explain to me what the fuck is wrong! Now if you don't want to go back to my apartment…fine, we'll just have it out right here. So…explain, now, starting with why I can't say your name."

I wanted to smile at him. I was on the brink of insanity, and I still wanted to smile at that idiot. He was so determined and selfless, and he was trying to intimidate me into 'explaining' by leaning over me and frowning. Didn't he ever learn? That is not how I work….

"You can't call me by my name anymore because Inoue won't like it. She'll be upset by it and that will cause…problems for you." I explained without dying on the spot.

That had gone exactly the opposite of what I'd planned, and I thought maybe I had gone insane after all. I looked down, he had a hold of both of my arms now, just below the shoulder, and I knew that I'd have bruises in the shape of his hands the next day. Then his grip tightened when my words sank in.

"Why" he started, nearly growling, "would you say anything like that? You think Orihime has a problem with you? She understands Rukia, she knows that you're a friend…she doesn't have anything to be upset about."

Oh, so that was it? She wouldn't get upset because she knew that Ichigo and I were just friends…nothing more. So she knew she didn't have anything to worry about…wow. I guess I'd given myself too much credit there…

"How long has this been going on?" I asked before I could stop myself. What I wanted more than anything else, was for him to laugh at me and tell me how big of an idiot I was for thinking that. I wanted him to say it wasn't true and prove it was all some horrible nightmare.

He tensed, instantly guarded, "Wh-what do you mean?"

I gave him a quick glare to let him know I wasn't going to explain further and he looked away quickly. He couldn't even stand to look me in the eyes now.

"You know?" he asked me. Well, that answered it for me, didn't it? I wanted to throttle him. How could I not know? I would have to be blind not to see it…

"Isn't it obvious?" I threw back at him, looking back down at the ground. He jerked me again, trying to get me to look at him, but I refused.

"Rukia…" I pulled back when he said it, and he hurried on, "She… it just happened tonight."

For some reason, that phrase really set me off. It was like I had lost control of all of my faculties. I brought my arms up, breaking his hold on me, at the same time I threw myself backwards.

"It just happened? It just happened? How the hell does _that_ 'just happen'?"

Ichigo looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole, but he kept going instead, "I don't know, but it did! Now there isn't anything that I can do about it is there? It fucking happened, so what?"

Oh my god. Is he really a simpleton? No…he's just being deliberately obtuse.

"So what? Oh my god you are…unbelievable! Dammit, I trusted you! I trusted you with everything I had…more than…well damn well more than I should have. So what? You've completely betrayed that trust. You've completely betrayed me!"

He was shaking his head before I was even halfway through, "No, no I haven't."

I screamed at him, "Then what the hell was she doing there?"

He opened and closed his mouth a few times before stuttering out, "I thought, you…you said th-that you knew about…it."

A puff of breath passed my lips in what was supposed to be a laugh while I shook my head, "I know now, but you should have told me, instead of letting me run around like a besotted fool."

His frown intensified, "Rukia, you are not a fool and if you'd just shut up for a minute, I could explain that."

I laughed right in his face, "Not a fool? Oh, I am, and this isn't even the first time I've done this, although the downswing is much worse this time. You see…I thought that you were really something, unique. You never give up on your friends, and I thought that I could count myself lucky for having been one. I let myself get caught up in it, again, and I mistakenly thought that I could trust you enough that we could move beyond friends. It's just been thrust in my face how wrong I was."

He cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes, "I know you don't really mean that. You're upset, so I'll give you that one free pass."

I turned away from him again, crossing my arms over myself, reverting back to a position I felt safe and comfortable with. "Finally, you get that I'm upset, but I meant every word. I trusted you, and my trust was misplaced. I shouldn't have let it get that far. Apparently I thought we were much closer than what we ever were."

He stood there, scowling at me, jaw flexing, hands fisted at his sides. He was trying not to say something he'd regret, but knowing him, that wouldn't last long.

"What I don't get, is why you would really think that. I think that you're lying. You know you can trust me," his voice still had a rough edge to it, but he was trying to be soothing in his own way, "I'd never hurt you."

He'd almost had me until he said that last part.

I blew up at him, "You fucking jerk! Don't you get it? Now I know that you wanted her all along! You wanted a normal life, and I have always…always held you back from that because I let myself believe you when you told me you wanted me in your life."

My voice broke on a sob, and I paused to try and stop crying, "You've been lying to me this whole time, trying to protect me from the truth! You don't want me! You don't want me in this world or the next…in any way." Another sob here, I was shaking all over with tears streaming down my face.

I'd gone this far, and he wanted to know why I was upset…besides, it might hurt him a little now, but I wasn't willing to be the reason he was never truly happy.

"Well you don't have to worry about 'protecting' me anymore; I've had enough of it. My brother and Renji…they were right about you. I never should have trusted you. I never should have come back! Now you can go off, and live your wonderfully normal life, with the perfect girl, and I won't bother you ever again."

I turned to run, but he grabbed my arm and spun me into him, wrapping his arms around me, "No, Rukia, wait! You don't know what was going on, let me tell you. Just let me explain what happened before you go off and do something you'll regret."

I kicked his leg as hard as I could and he released me immediately, doubling over to cradle his injured limb.

I was so angry with him at that moment, for making me feel like I really mattered and then shattering all of my illusions about it, that I lashed out at him. In a voice laced with venom I ripped open the wounds I knew he had buried deep within himself.

"Regret? The only thing that I regret is meeting you in the first place, and having to struggle through your so called 'protection'. Tell me, how many times have I been hurt since we've known each other?"

I paused for a moment while I watched his eyes go wide in shock, "How many of those were directly related to you?"

I noticed that his breathing was coming in faster and faster with glee, "You are such an excellent protector after all right? Strong enough to keep us all safe? Obviously not, my track record shows that. Before I met you, I'd never been seriously hurt, and now, well you might as well kill me where I stand for all the good you've done me."

Again, he turned away from me, guiltily confirming what I already knew to be true. He loved someone else, and…I'd never really mattered to him at all.

I couldn't stand myself, and I knew that I should just shut my mouth now, but I couldn't. I looked him in the eyes now, because I wanted to see his reaction to my words, I wanted to see if I could hurt him like he had hurt me.

"This was so much worse than anything you've ever done. I would rather you had killed me than find out you've never been who I thought you were. But don't worry, you won't have to keep the charade up on my account any longer, I'm going to leave and I won't be coming back to bother you anymore."

There it was, I'd said it, used my safety net. If he had any feelings for me, friendship or not, he would stop me, that was a basic understanding between us. I would always come back… So, I waited what felt like an eternity for him to tell me to stay, and he didn't. He didn't say anything.

I backed away from him, feeling more tears stream down my face, and then I turned from him and ran.

He didn't follow me.

I ran until I couldn't feel my gigai's legs anymore. I was in some random neighborhood, in what looked like the poor part of town. I thought it fit me perfectly. It was run down and pretty much worthless.

I climbed up onto one of the houses there, and laid down, staring at the stars. How many times had I done this before? Just stayed still and watched the stars? I'd done it was I was young, growing up in Rukongai, I'd done it…after he died. I'd done it after I met Ichigo when we were apart…thinking foolishly that we might be looking up at the same sky.

I sighed loudly, I was tired of crying already, but the tears didn't seem to even be slowing any. So, while I was there, by myself, I cried for all the pain and loss I was feeling. I had become so dependent on Ichigo…and I wasn't even sure when that had happened. He had been there for so long, and I had come to love him.

There was no way to deny it now, I had loved him for such a long time, and I had been so sure that he felt the same for me.

Now, it was all gone. I mourned the loss of him, because there was no going back to what we had. There was no way that I could be a part of his life and watch him have what I thought we could have, with someone else.

Maybe if I wasn't in love with him.

But that was something that I couldn't change. My heart was still in denial of what my mind knew. I knew that he didn't love me, didn't want me and that he was with someone else.

My heart was begging for me to go back…but I wouldn't. I had said that I wouldn't, and he didn't say anything. That was as good as telling me to go.

He didn't even want me in his life anymore, he didn't care if I came back or not. Well why would he care about me, when he had Orihime? There was no comparison between the two of us.

She was everything I was not, and for starters, she was human…she was alive. She was beautiful and kind, and she deserved to be happy. They deserved to be happy and if being together made them happy, who was I to stop them? It wasn't my place, no matter how I felt about it, right?

Then why did I feel like my life was over?

It would be better this way. I would go back to…to what? Soul Society? They had just given me the assignment here! I practically begged Captain Ukitake to send me here again!

There was no way that I was going to go back there now. Not until my month long assignment was finished. I had to prove to myself, the Kuchiki clan and my own Captain that I could handle this. That I could still serve my purpose, even with him.

So, my shift picked up in two days and was for a month. I could handle this; I'd just avoid him until I was finished. Then, I'd go back to Soul Society and never take another assignment here again.

I would just go back to the way things were before, it's not like my life started the day we met.

Except…that in some ways, it had.

There were so many things that I had, only because of him. There were many things that were lost to me now.

See, I didn't just lose him. I lost every connection I had in the living world, because I had them all through him. All of the friends I'd made here, the places I'd been and…his family.

They had welcomed me with open arms, and always accepted me, always happy to see me. I would miss them. They had shown me what family could be, and I loved it, and I loved them for showing me that. I promised myself that I'd never forget them, and that I'd always be thankful for the times I spent with them.

I looked to the east, and saw the sun starting to rise. It was beautiful, breath taking really, and it made me want to die, because this was the first day…without him. It was the first day that I was completely on my own again and I was afraid. I was afraid of going back the same old Rukia that I had been before.

I was terrified that I might not be good enough on my own. I'd had Ichigo by my side for so long…what if I couldn't handle anything on my own? Was I ever good enough?

I spent most of that first day hiding like a coward. I knew Ichigo, and I knew that he'd be looking for me. Most likely Soul Society was the first place that he'd look, so there was no way I could go back there.

He'd fought his way through practically every Captain there the last time, just to get to me. I had no doubt that if he wanted to, he could find me there. What I had serious doubts about, was the 'if he wanted to,' but I couldn't risk it. So I stayed in the living world, waiting for my assignment to go into effect.

Near the end of the day, I had my first rational thought, and realized if he wanted to find me that he could, even in the living world. He'd always been able to find me, especially if I'd been in any kind of trouble. Well, I was definitely in trouble, but he was the last thing I wanted anywhere near me. I thought if I saw him again at this point, I would shatter, and then there would be nothing of me left.

So, I went to Urahara Shoten, under the guise of having a faulty gigai. I was sure that I could get him to give me one that would suppress my essence, so that I couldn't be traced as well.

I was right. He gave me a long hard look, and said he didn't think it was a good idea, but I brushed him off explaining that I didn't want to 'distract' anyone. He shut up then, and gave me the new pill, explaining from behind his fan that no one would be able to sense me. I was grateful I didn't have to explain further.

I left his shop, and went walking down memory lane, past all the places we'd been. I kept replaying memory after memory of the two of us together.

I had to get it out of my system while I had the luxury of time. My work started the next day, so all I had was time.

I walked by the school and the park, to several little shops he'd taken me to. I could see us there, talking, fighting, laughing, but always together…

Now I was back to being on the outside, alone. Completely alone, just like I'd been before, and I felt like I deserved it.

My fairytale was over, and now I had to go back to reality. I tried to make myself smile, remembering the times that made me happy, that actually made me feel alive. But I couldn't, because there would never be anymore of them.

I went back to the area I had stayed the previous night, choosing a tall tree instead of a rooftop this time. It was higher up, and heights had always seemed to calm me. I guess I just liked to see what was coming, and I desperately needed some sense of inner peace.

I looked up at the moon, trying to force myself to gain the strength that I would need in the coming month.

I'd have to stay away from him, and anyone else that I knew here, otherwise I was sure that he'd find out I was here and try to confront me again. He'd try to explain more, and I really couldn't handle that. I didn't need to hear how happy he was, without me there to hold him back. I didn't want to picture how they'd gotten together from the details he'd give me. I would not let myself break down in front of him, again, when told me that he loved her.

I could barely stand the thought of them together, I didn't need any further imagery to add to the collection I'd already compiled through my own imagination.

Avoidance was the only option; it had always worked for the old Rukia. So I would just go back to that again. Sure, I didn't have any friends then and my brother and I never spoke, but really, what was so wrong with that?

As long as I never had to face him again, I could live. I might just be a thin shell surrounding a block of ice, but I was attached to that shell.

That was it then. I would do my duty as a Shinigami to the best of my ability, and that was it.

The next day came well before I was ready, and I found it strangely comforting to slip the Kuchiki façade back on. It came back to me very easily, and quickly. I wouldn't look at the humans anymore and wonder about their lives. I would simply protect them, that was what I was there for, not to learn about them.

I wouldn't wait to get a signal for the Hollows that had appeared, I would hunt them, and hone my skills.

The first day was the hardest, but I got back into my old routine easily enough. There weren't many Hollow attacks, so I spent most of my time scouting. That night there were a few attacks, and I met them head on and dispatched the Hollows with a cool efficiency.

The next day, I was exhausted, and realized I hadn't even slept since the morning I came back. So, I went to a building in a quiet part of town, far away from where Ichigo or his family was and let myself rest.

I woke up to the sound of my phone going off, alerting me that there was a Hollow across town. I threw myself in the direction of the Hollow, realizing that it was night. I had been more tired than I thought.

This fight was different than the others had been. This time, the Hollow was chasing a younger girl that looked like she was probably about ten or eleven.

She was terrified and screaming, running away from the Hollow. It was very spider-like, except the head had the bone mask and a slithering tongue. I landed in its path, raising Sode no Shirayuki.

The Hollow stopped and leered at me, "Little Shinigami, your flesh will be an excellent meal, and that human child will be my dessert." It lunged forward, intending on trapping me beneath one of its legs.

I jumped up and forward, easily dodging its attack and landing on top of its extended limb. I heard it shouting at me, but I paid no attention to it, that would only slow me down.

I ran along its leg, up to its body and then, behind its head. With one swift motion, I cut through the head and mask with a proficiency that spoke volumes of my years of training.

Once I was finished, I jumped down while it disintegrated, and made my way to the trembling soul that was staring at me. She was sitting on the ground, watching my every move, tensed and ready to run.

"Pl-please don't hurt me!" she screamed, shrinking back from me. I paused, not wanting to frighten her anymore than she already was.

I tried to smile, "I'm not here to hurt you. I'm here to help you, if you're ready, I can help you cross over."

The girl looked up at me with tear filled eyes, "Cross over to wh-where? Are there monsters there too?" That was interesting, you see, my training never covered how to reassure souls before performing konso, but I'd gotten pretty good at it while I was with…Ichigo. Before that, I would have just said I was helping them cross over to Soul Society and that would be that. I felt bad for this girl though, she shouldn't have to go through another frightening experience if I could make it easier on her.

I held my hand out to her, still smiling, "No, there aren't monsters in Soul Society. You can go there and be safe, you'll never be hungry or thirsty either."

She didn't take my hand, so I sat down next to her and crossed my legs, making no move towards her. After a moment, she asked, "What is it like in…Soul Society?"

"Well, it's almost like it is here. There is night and day, a city with other people in it. It is almost like another life altogether. Sort of like…moving to a new city."

She seemed to like that, and she wasn't shaking anymore. "I suppose I have to go don't I?"

I nodded, "If you don't, you'll most likely be attacked again." She sucked in a breath at that, and promptly stood up. "Alright, I'm ready."

Funny, I remembered Ichigo telling one of the first souls he performed konso on that, and it had the same result. I wanted to hate that I remembered that, but I couldn't.

Instead, I stood up too, explaining, "Okay, I'm going to tap your forehead with the base of my sword, and that's it. You'll move on and it won't hurt at all."

I waited for her to nod before I gently pressed the hilt down, placing the stamp on her skin, and watching her slowly fade away and the hell butterfly take her into the night sky.

That was the only attack that night, so I was left to my own thoughts, which was not a good thing lately. All that I could think was that because of Ichigo, and what he had taught me, I handled my Shinigami duties differently than I had before. The old Rukia wouldn't have wanted to make sure that the soul knew what was on the other side, wouldn't have really cared if the soul was comforted at all, or even agreed to go.

That was all Ichigo's influence on me.

Damn that stupid bastard to hell. Not only did he control the majority of my thoughts, but also my actions? That was so ridiculously infuriating that I couldn't stand myself. When had I become so impressionable? Why did I even start doing that?

Oh right, it was because I cared what he thought, so I listened to what he had to say and it made sense to me. So I started doing that until it was practically second nature.

I closed my eyes, and let myself think of anything but him, so naturally I dreamed of him. The only dreams I really had weren't usually good ones. They replayed critical events in my life where I had made terrible mistakes.

This one was of that night, so many years ago where I let my Vice Captain die on my own sword. This time, when he raised his head to speak, it was Ichigo and he said in an agonized voice, "You didn't even let me explain, you just left. You said you'd never come back… Why?"

I woke up with a start, feeling an intense power that could only be him. He wasn't nearby, in fact, it felt like it was coming from his apartment, but it was fluctuating dangerously. There wasn't a Hollow there, so I had no reason to go.

I'd be damned if I would.

I had to stop myself when I was already half way there. What the hell would I say to him? Could I even get that close without him sensing me? Did I really want to risk it?

No, I didn't, so I went back to my post, wondering what would cause him to lose control like that. Sometimes he would do that if we were fighting, actually fighting about something. Or if someone got hurt he would do that.

Maybe he and Orihime were having a fight. Ha.

I refused to let myself think about it anymore, and instead focused on sensing any Hollows that his outrageous reitsu might draw. It only lasted a few more minutes, and no Hollows came.

The next night, the same thing happened, and I waited again. It seemed to last about as long, maybe longer, but still not long enough to really draw any attention. I continued my patrols, and started practicing my kido spell chants.

This trend continued for the next week and half, the timeframe of his reitsu spikes increasing each night. I was starting to worry, but decided that since I was no longer a part of his life, I shouldn't come running. He had…other people to worry about him now.

'It's not my place anymore' was my new motto.

Except now it was starting to become a problem for me. If it lasted longer than just a few minutes, Hollows would start appearing at an increasing rate. When it started, it was only one or two Hollows, but that was a week ago. Now it was…more than that.

More and more would come each night, attracted like moths to a flickering flame, and I was having problems keeping them away from him. I may not be a part of his life anymore, but Hollows were a part of mine, and so was protecting humans.

It was on one of these nights that they came. He'd been saturating the area for over fifteen minutes, and they were coming for him one after another. They appeared all over the city, and I was having problems getting to them quickly enough. As soon as they came, they went straight for him.

I'd been practically massacring them, when I felt his reitsu shoot way up, and then sort of…pop. It changed somehow, like it shifted. It was still him, I knew that much, and it was coming down, but it was different now.

I had gotten distracted by it and paused in my fight, the Hollow I was fighting took full advantage of my opening, and attacked. Its ridged talon tore into my side. If I hadn't seen it start to move, and reacted, it would have impaled me.

I scowled, I'd had enough of being impaled.

I dodged the next attack, and finished it quickly. Pressing a hand to my side, I checked my phone to see where the next Hollow would be. I'd been pushed back to about half a mile away from his apartment. This was not good. If they kept coming like this…I might have to call for help. By all rights I should have already. I just didn't want to.

I should be able to handle this on my own. "Shit." There was a Hollow coming, and it would be going right through me to get to him. That was perfect, I didn't have much time judging by how fast it was moving.

I gently probed my wound, finding it was more serious than I had thought, and started to use my healing kido when the Hollow came into my line of sight. It was huge…and strong.

I pumped as much healing through as I could before I engaged it, attacking from the side when it was within my reach. It hit me in my injured side, knocking me back easily. I fell to the ground and slid back about ten feet.

"Damnit!" I swore to no one in particular. I hadn't touched it, but I noted when I looked up, I had at least stopped it from going any further. I got back up, trying to hide that I was hurt, and moved into an offensive stance. This bastard was going down hard.

It moved first, and I waited for it to get closer before I made my move to jump up and over. It would have worked too, except it had a tail that caught my ankle, and then proceeded to toss me around, hitting as many things with me as it could.

I was in mid-air when I felt it's grip on me release, and I went careening towards a parked car. I braced myself for the impact, but it was much softer…and warmer than I thought it would be.

I was set on the ground, and with my feet firmly in place, I looked up to see a head of vibrant orange, spiky hair walking away from me and towards the Hollow I was fighting. In a flash he disappeared, then the Hollow roared in pain, and he reappeared in front of it.

His back still turned to me it was Ichigo, but not, at the same time.

"You left." He said. I stood there, unmoving.

"He couldn't find you."

Well that caught my attention. "What do you mean 'he'?"

He turned around slowly, a wide grin split his face, and I understood. This was not Ichigo, it was his Hollow. My skin went cold in apprehension.

"I think you know what I mean Rukia, don't you?" He cocked his head to the side, gauging my reaction. I'd never seen his Hollow before; he looked…primal. Even his mask was unique from others, as it had red markings instead of just white. His eyes were black with yellow irises, and they were completely focused on me, "You know, I should really be thanking you. He normally has such good control, except when it comes to you."

It was still Ichigo's voice, but it was like there was another voice mixed in with it. This was not happening again, I could not go through this, not with him…I almost died last time…I could not survive this time.

I was numb and I couldn't think, "What?" I asked him stupidly.

He laughed, "You are the reason I'm here Rukia! Without you, not only would I never have been born, but I'd never get control like this!"

I must have made a face that amused him, because he started to laugh, "He's right about you being a knock out, but I think you are a little too short. Funny, you don't really come across that way from his perspective."

I frowned then, "Hollow, I don't know what you're talking about, but where is he?"

He didn't laugh then, he seemed to be agitated when I asked about Ichigo, "Oh, he's safe, he's got a front row seat to what's going on right now. He's fuckin' pissed, but he's fine, can't really say the same for you though."

I cocked my head to the side, "Oh, is that so?" I had to draw this out, give him time to get control again, if he didn't then…I didn't want to think about it.

The Hollow seemed to read my thoughts, "You can't stop me you know."

"I can sure as hell try." I hoped I sounded firm.

Then, he came at me, laughing, and all of my fears came to life before my eyes. I couldn't do this again, not to him, not again… I was stronger this time, I was faster and I was sure as hell better!

I reacted before I could even think out a strategy, and had chanted one of the strongest binding spells I knew. He'd dropped Zangetsu, and was on his knees with his arms behind his back. In my dreams, I never used any kido, I just stood there and let it play out. But I wouldn't do that now…

He glared at me, "You're only stalling me, I'll get free, and then you'll be dead." He paused to laugh, and then went on, "Once you're dead, I'll always have control. He won't be able to stand the idea of me killing you while he watched helplessly."

I shook my head, "You lying bastard; that will never work! You picked the wrong target for that effect!" The Hollow looked so much like a confused Ichigo at that moment, I wanted to laugh.

"You don't have a clue do you?" he stated more than asked, "You have no idea what you mean to him do you?"

I moved my sword to his throat, putting as much pressure as I dared, and he snickered "Oh, touchy subject is it?"

I really wanted to kill that Hollow, but there was no chance in hell that was going to happen. I was not going to let the past repeat itself; I was not going to get the same result this time.

I made my breathing steady, and focused all my energy on not shaking. I couldn't let him see how terrified I was, and I refused to admit it. "I know exactly what I mean to him, and I won't believe a damned thing you tell me, you're just wasting your time."

It regarded me with hooded eyes, "Well you really leave me no choice then." It broke through my spell like it was nothing, and hit me in my stomach, causing me to drop Sode no Shirayuki. I crashed into the building behind me, and sank to the ground, coughing up blood. Damn, that hurt like hell. I couldn't catch my breath.

I saw him pick up Zangetsu and prop him up on his shoulder as he stalked over to me. I glared up at him, "You really think that he'll fall for this? You really think that by killing me, you'll gain control? You have no idea how he works, do you?"

It laughed at me then, "Ever the loyal one, are we Rukia? Do you think you'll always have that same faith in him?" I wanted to nod, but something stopped me. It wasn't my place anymore…and the Hollow saw me hesitate.

"That's right, little Rukia, you left him and you didn't come back. The truth is; that is what caused this. You are the one that let me take over because you are the one that made him so weak! Isn't it great Rukia? He's always wanted to protect you so badly, and now, he'll be the death of you!"

Oh god, I remembered all of those nights he'd been having those fluctuations… it had been his Hollow trying to resurface in his sleep, and this time it had worked. He hadn't been doing that before, there was no sign of his Hollow when I'd seen him. Was it true then? Had I really caused this?

"Piecing it all together now? At first, when you left, he thought he'd just go after you. Then, you weren't there, in Soul Society. When he realized that he had no idea where you were, and he couldn't feel you at all, that's when I came in."

I shook my head, "No, that's not true!"

"It is true, I'm standing here in his place because of it!"

If this was true, then not only was I back in my nightmare…but I had caused it. I had done this to Ichigo. I had been a coward again, worthless and faithless, I just left him, after everything. I was too afraid to stay any longer, so I ran, just like last time. I knew he'd go after me, why had I just run off like that? I could have stayed, let him say what he wanted and parted on better terms. Why did I act so selfishly? No matter what he had done to me, he didn't deserve this, I had to make it right.

"No, Ichigo, you have to fight! Don't let him win! You are stronger than he is, fight damnit!" I screamed, desperation leaking into my voice. He could not lose to his Hollow, it could not happen!

The Hollow laughed, and his hand fisted in my robes, lifting me to his eye level, "He's already tried that, and he can't beat me now. He was so weakened, that I was finally able to win. He can't stop me, I'm stronger than he is. This is fate Rukia, nothing can stop me."

My eyes were open wide in fear, my heard pounding so loudly I could barely hear anything else. Was the past really repeating itself? I watched, petrified, as that sickening grin split its face again, and it slowly started to descend down to my throat.

"You'll be my first Shinigami, did you know that?" it whispered against my neck. The word Shinigami brought me out of my stupor, and I kicked out at him, catching him in his side. It must have caught him off guard, because he dropped me as he staggered back. I made a dash for my sword, grabbed it and turned around to face him.

He was staring right through me, frowning. I watched, confused, as he dropped Zangetsu and put both hands to his face, reaching under his half-mask. It looked like he was trying to pull it off, and then he started screaming. It was a horrible inhuman sound that mixed Ichigo's pain filled voice with that of a monster's bellow of outrage.

I kept my sword raised, ready to fight, while my heart filled with hope. If he could…regain control then everything would be alright. It wouldn't matter that I wasn't in his life…as long as he was alive. Nothing else mattered; he had to live. "Please, don't let this happen again." I'd whispered it before I could stop myself.

The Hollow fell to its knees, screaming, and I couldn't stand it. I started to go to him, "Please be alright, please."

He was on his knees now, and his screams were getting softer. I was only a few feet away from him when he looked up at me, the mask was still there, but his eyes were that same soulful amber that I had grown to love. I missed him terribly, I missed the way he looked at me, just the way he was at that moment. I repressed a pang of painful memories that were full of longing.

He had one hand covering his mask, as if he was ashamed to let me see it. "Hey" he said in a quietly strained voice.

His voice reverberated through me like ripples on water, "Hey" I answered back out of reflex.

He picked up his forgotten sword, and stabbed it into the ground, lifting himself by the hilt and then leaning on it for support. "I didn't think you'd be here." He said, watching me closely.

"I'm here." I answered mechanically. I was trying to wake up, shock myself out of this terror I had imagined for myself.

"Ichigo," I kept my eyes locked with his, I wanted him to know that he didn't need to be ashamed of anything, "what can I do?"

He smiled a little when he scoffed at me, "I'm glad that you're here, because…I know that you'll do what needs to be done." He paused for a moment, tensed and a pained look crossed his features, before he relaxed a little again.

"I'm not sure that I would ever trust anyone else with this…Rukia."

I started to break, my face falling and all hope draining from me, "No…no Ichigo I won't! I can't do this, please no!" I felt the tears come, and I let them, "Not you…this cannot happen to you." I shook my head fiercely.

A flash of shock came and went before he went back to scowling, "Rukia, you have to, there isn't another way. I won't allow my Hollow to hurt you."

That was the Ichigo I knew, always wanting to protect everyone, "Have you even tried any other way? There has to be something we can do…."

He gave a little smile again, despite the pain I knew he was feeling, "I've tried damnit, I can't hold him off for long. You know there isn't another way. Please Rukia…do this for me." He begged.

Oh god no…I was shaking uncontrollably, sobbing, "Ichigo please don't ask me to do this…I don't think that I can. I'm not strong enough…I can't.."

He slumped forward a little more, exhausted from constantly fighting an inner battle, "There is no one else Rukia, it has to be you." My breath caught, and for a moment, I could almost imagine that he was speaking of another situation entirely, instead of the one we were in.

I started to drop my sword, lower my guard, but he stopped me, "No, don't do that. I'm not sure…how long…" Then he was screaming again, head thrown back, fists clenching and unclenching on nothing but air.

I stood, holding my sword out before as I had so many years ago, reliving the worst moments of my life. The downswing was so much worse this time.

Much too quickly, his Hollow was before me again, yellow eyes blazing, mask firmly in place, "No more time to waste Rukia."

I hated that voice, I hated those eyes and I hated that Hollow. I tried to remember Ichigo's pleading voice when he said that I was the only one that he could trust to do this. I knew he wanted this…I knew that it was the safest route and I knew that if I killed Ichigo, I'd die along with him.

So, I held my sword low, appearing to accept my fate as the Hollow with Ichigo's body came at me. I coached my face into cold acceptance and let him get close. Zangetsu ripped through the robes at my side, grazing my flesh, and that was when I made my move.

My brother's favorite attack, at least that's what Renji told me, was the Senka. He'd used it on Ichigo before, and as time had passed and my skills grew, he'd finally shown me what it was. He explained that I could use it in close combat, as a quick, efficient killing blow.

It was at my limit to perform this, even after all of my training, but…it was all that I had now.

I flash stepped to the side and behind him, spinning and thrust my sword back twice.

It was done.

I couldn't turn around to see what I had done, but I heard him, "You…are just…full of surprises." That was followed by a soft thud as he fell to his knees, then going forward onto his hands. Zangetsu clattered to the ground.

He coughed, blood spattering the ground, "Rukia…you did it."

My eyes flew open and I spun around, crouching down next to him. "Ichigo!" I cried. He looked at me, lips in that damn cocky grin, blood seeping out of his mouth. They yellow eyes were gone, replaced by his brown, and the mask was gone too. This was Ichigo. I moved in front of him, trying to support him at his shoulders.

My throat was on fire from holding back my sobs, my lips trembling with barely contained remorse over what I'd done. "Hey," he said in between coughs, "you did that pretty well, just like Byakuya. You've gotten a lot stronger…Rukia."

It suddenly occurred to me that I'd told him to stop calling me that, and it struck me then that no matter what I told him, he'd never given up on me. Just like I'd always had faith in him, he did the same for me, never doubting that I would do what was needed.

He started to fall forward, and I instinctively moved so that he would be cushioned by me. I guided him down as gently as I could, so that he rolled onto his back with his head on my legs. We'd been in this position before, after he'd been badly wounded.

He looked up at me, eyes full of sad admiration, and I wished for the thousandth time that it was me in his place. "Ichigo…I am so sorry for what I've done." I managed to get out in between my quiet sobs.

His eyes unfocused for a few moments, and in that instant I was terrified he was already gone. "Ichigo, no don't go, come back to me please! You have to stay with me, Ichigo! Please!" I begged him.

Liquid amber refocused on me, and he coughed again, "Rukia…I've never left you, don't you know that?"

My heart jerked, and I put my hands on either side of his face, slowly stroking. I didn't answer him, but instead tried to wipe the blood and sweat away. Right now, I couldn't lie to him, and I couldn't give him the answer he wanted.

He reached up and caught my wrist, "I forgive you, for that night. I should have…told you what happened." He coughed again, and I helped him turn his head to the side as more blood came.

"You shouldn't talk right now, save your strength." The idiot seemed to want to die as quickly as possible. I held his head in place with one hand, fingers in his hair, massaging his temple. My other hand moved down to his wounded side, slick with his blood. I started my healing kido, pouring as much into him as I could in a steady stream.

It would never be enough because I was never enough.

When his breathing returned to normal, he looked back at me, his eyes on fire. "No damnit, this is too important for me not to say." He took a deep shaky breath, "It wasn't your fault. It wasn't. Believe me, if I was in your position, I would have thought the same thing." Another long pause made my heart and breathing stop.

"This was going to happen, one way or another, I'm just glad that you were here to stop it when you did."

His eyes started to glaze over, and I panicked, "Please Ichigo, you can't do this to me! I won't make it this time…don't you understand? Please…don't leave me here…"

He heaved in another breath, "I…wouldn't if I had a choice. I just want you to know…I don't regret anything that led me…to protecting you."

I leaned over him, so that our foreheads were touching, and my tears fell onto his face. Why did he have to say that now? Why did it hurt so much to hear him say that?

I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to gather myself as best I could, and opened them. He was watching me as closely as he could when I answered, "You shouldn't have done that, I'm…"

He cut me off, "You are worth it Rukia, you've…always been…worth so much to me. If you don't believe anything else, please…believe that."

In that moment, I did, no matter how much it was, I knew that I mattered to him. "I believe you."

He smiled at me, a real full smile, "Good." And then he closed his eyes, and his breathing stopped. I pulled back, and shook him, "Ichigo?"

He didn't answer me, and I knew he would never answer me again. "Ichigo…please?" There was no answer, and he didn't move, except for me shaking him.

His eyes stayed closed, and he looked peaceful. "No." I whispered quietly, and then, much louder, "NO!" I wrapped my arms around his neck and head, pulling him close to my chest, then reached down for one of his hands and brought it to my lips.

"Ichigo, don't you do this! Don't you die on me! No!"

But Ichigo didn't move anymore, and he didn't reassure me anymore. He was gone and it was my fault. I held him against me, wanting to try and keep him with me as long as I could.

"Ichigo," I looked down at his face, running my fingers along the dips and grooves of his face, "Oh god Ichigo I'm so sorry!"

I rocked, back and forth slowly, trying to memorize every piece of him. I could still hear his voice echoing in my mind.

'Rukia…I've never left you.'

'I forgive you.'

'It wasn't your fault.'

'I'm glad you were here to stop it.'

'I don't regret anything that led me to protecting you.'

I wanted to die with him.

No matter how high the pendulum swings, it always has to come back down, only this time…I don't think it will ever rise again.

A/N: I hope you liked it. This thing has been floating around in my head for awhile and I had to get it out. I'm working on a companion piece to this, so if you liked this one, let me know and I'll post it once I'm done. Sorry this was so long, but I hope it was worth it.


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